Confidence

Posted in Articles, Beliefs, Confidence, Inner Game, Mindset, Self-Esteem on May 11, 2012

“People say that what we’re seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think this is what we’re really seeking. I think what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive.”

Joseph Cambell, “The Power of Myth”

Let’s be nerdy for a second. Think of the changes to the internet since its rise in the 1990s.

First there was Web 1.0  – static webpages with top-down content, and sales driven through basket clicks. Users could view pages, but not reflect on the content. They were not dynamic, focussing on presenting rather than creating. What we’d now call Old Skool.

Then came Web 2.0 around 2004, where web application features were developed to encourage sharing, user-centred design and mass collaboration. Think social networking, blogs, videos and applications. Think about how this website is built and runs.

In recent years, there’s talk of Web 3.0 emerging – a personalised, individual web with “intelligent” components, where the web will work for you automatically and predictively. The slave will become the master.

Why am I giving you a potted history of the internet? Well, for me there are key similarities between this shift in technology and a shift in “Game” or “Pick Up.”

Let’s define Game 1.0. Think pick-up lines, routines, manuals, night clubs, peacocking. Presenting rather than creating. Top-down in that the girl was seen as the “prize” and intent had to be hidden.

Now let’s think of Game 2.0. A move away from set lines and methods to a collective, creative, honest type of game, like direct street game. Think classic daygame, with a bottom-up approach based on freedom of expression and self improvement.

So what would Game 3.0 look like? In the last six months I’ve started formulating it, getting glimpses of it in my own journey and in the journey of others who’ve cracked the Daygame Blueprint or “Matrix.” It’s something “beyond” pick up that’s very personal, very fundamental.

Here are some characteristics that I see in Game 3.0:

 * 100% solid vibe that has become “natural”

 * A life beyond PUA, which is rich, holistic, complete and congruent

* A fully-rounded man, not just with women. Thus he becomes naturally “attractive” to others without trying

* Using skills learnt in “Game” (taking action, facing fears etc.) in other areas like business, health and long-term relationships. A life lived in full

 Perhaps it’s just wishful thinking, but I can really feel a shift in the “community” in the last year or two towards a bigger vision, a larger goal. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with moving through the different stages of 1.0 and 2.0 to get good with women. It’s a rite of passage for every man. I took that journey, and am still nowhere near my destination. What I’m suggesting, however, is that there’s more to it than just getting good with girls. Rising from the ashes of routines are confident, congruent men with deep level changes. It’s time for the firebird to spread its golden wings and fly. Who’s in?

- Tom Torero, May 2012

Posted in Articles, Beliefs, Body Language, Confidence, Dating & Relationships, Dating Advice, Getting a Date, Inner Game, Mindset, Outer Game, Self-Esteem, What To Say on February 18, 2012

I gave a talk last night to the London Seduction Society entitled “Fail More!”

In it I emphasised how getting good with women is something that can only be learned in an experiential way (i.e. going out and trying it). By experimenting, making mistakes, correcting them and trying again, you will progress.

Mistakes are simply vital reference points that should be embraced. I see all my interactions as things that could go well, or give me a reference experience (…a funny story at the very least).

Getting the rookie mistakes out the way as quickly as possible is vital. From teaching hundreds of guys on the street during bootcamps and individually, I can recognise these mistakes immediately.

Below are the Top 10 rookie mistakes of a daygamer. I’ve given them amusing names just to make it lighthearted. I have made ALL of these mistakes at some point when I was learning the daygame model, so don’t take them personally. Being able to laugh at them is a key part of getting better.

Top 10 Daygame Mistakes

1) Mr Creepy (Approaching incorrectly)

This guy can’t stop a girl. He touches her from behind, walks with her, tries to grab her, or jumps too close in front of her. The girl doesn’t know what he wants and panics.

She’s thinking: Call the Police!

2) Mr Stalker (Too serious, lack of vibe)

This guy can stop a girl, compliment her and begin a conversation but it’s all way too serious. He forgets to smile, body language is stiff, and there’s no teasing or playfulness to the pick-up.

She’s thinking: Get me out of here!

3) Mr Clown (too gamey, too entertaining, too funny)

This guy has read every Pick-Up book out there. He loves his lines, his routines, his jokes and his peacocking. The girl is laughing so he thinks he’s winning.

She’s thinking: Is this guy a children’s entertainer?

4) Mr Speedy Gonzalez (Talks too quickly, gives off nervous energy)

Everything’s100milesanhour! This guy doesn’t believe that people will listen to what he’s got to say, so he says it quickly. His nervous energy is often then matched by the girl, and the interaction spins out of control.

She’s thinking: Why do I feel so agitated?

5) Mr Hairdresser (Asks too many mundane questions)

The most common mistake. This guy makes polite conversation by asking her questions: What are you up to today? Where are you from? Doing anything nice later? He’s asking her to do all the work and not displaying any of his personality.

She’s thinking: I feel like I’m being interviewed.

6) Mr Bitch (agreeing with everything, putting her on a pedestal)

This guy supplicates to her. He inflects his voice upwards, nods his head, smiles too much and says “oh cool!” after she speaks. For him, she can do no wrong. She might like him, but she’s turned off by this kiss-arse behaviour and lack of challenging.

She’s thinking: I can walk all over this one!

7) Mr Gay Best Friend (Too much comfort, no male-female polarity)

Girls love this guy. He makes them feel totally comfortable. This guy doesn’t flirt or tease, he just allows them to talk about what they want to talk about. He’s afraid of showing his intent in case he loses her.

She’s thinking: Great! A guy I can be platonic with!

8. Mr Me-Me-Me (does all the work, invests too much, talks a lot)

This guy is doing far too much talking. He doesn’t recogise when the set has hooked and never gets the girls doing the work. He’s forgotten the power of listening and silence.

She’s thinking: Why is he trying so hard?

9) Mr Premature Ejeculator (leaves an interaction early)

This guy is his own worst enemy. He blows himself out by leaving an interaction that was going fine, just to escape the social pressure. Either he can’t believe how well it’s going or he panics and departs.

She’s thinking: Why didn’t he ask for my number?

10) Mr Dodgy Closer (closes too fast or messes up the close)

This guy has forgotten that you have to open strong and close strong. He apologetically asks for her number, mumbles, or gives up at the first sign of difficulty. This guy might also go for the number too fast, before the hook point.

She’s thinking: It started off well, but now I’m not sure..

_______________________________

Take a good hard look at those Top 10 mistakes and try to honestly say which ones you make. Get a friend to film one of your approaches, or record an audio of your conversation. Even better, get on a daygame.com bootcamp and have myself and Jon pinpoint exactly where you’re making mistakes, and how you can correct them. Small changes can make massive differences.

- Tom Torero

Posted in Articles, Confidence, Inner Game on November 9, 2010

“He surely can’t be talking about me,” you think as the mighty fist of God comes crashing down from the sky to smite your enemy.

Okay, so few of the sane among us actually believe that we are the centre of the universe. But subconsciously, many of our fears and anxieties about ‘messing up’ social situations are based on a misguided belief that our words and actions are constantly under the scrutiny of others. We convince ourselves that we need to learn how to talk to girls differently when out on the street, from say in the dark corners of a club where no-one can see or hear what you’re doing.

In Simply Irresistible, psychologist Dr Raj Persaud refers to this as the ‘spotlight effect’, and every single one of us suffers from it at one time or another. As a practitioner of Daygame, it is likely that you experience it more often than some people. By its very nature, Daygame encourages us to break social conventions, and it’s this fear of going against the grain that triggers a rush of irrational thoughts about how others perceive us.

You might not think it’s irrational to assume that running up to a random girl in the street will attract a lot of attention. However, even in a seemingly-unusual situation like this, researchers from Cornell University, Northwestern and Williams College in the US have discovered that people habitually overestimate the social impact of their actions.

In one experiment, university students reluctantly donned Barry Manilow t-shirts before entering a room filled with their peers. Afterwards they were asked to estimate how many people noticed Manilow’s mug on their chest. On average, the students overestimated the number by a factor of two.

The students repeated the exercise later, but on this occasion they were allowed time to get used to wearing the garish garment. This time around, they were a lot more accurate in their estimations, and researchers concluded that they only overestimated the impact of their actions when they were feeling self-conscious. When they were relaxed and ‘in the moment’, rather than in their own heads, they assessed other people’s reactions much more accurately.

So what does this mean for Daygame? Well, firstly it highlights how insignificant our day-time approaches are within a wider social setting. It may feel like all eyes are on us when we nervously approach that hottie in the street, but chances are, everyone around us is far more interested in their own lives than those of two people they have never met. This is especially relevant in big cities like London where the public are bombarded by far crazier people on a daily basis, but they still ignore them. From tap-dancers on the Tube to naked unicyclists on the street, a seemingly-spontaneous conversation between a man and a woman is pretty low on the eye-magnet scale. But perhaps more importantly, the study shows us that in order to get out of our heads and into the moment, we must familiarise ourselves with any given situation. In the context of Daygame, approaching is the Barry Manilow t-shirt. The first few times it’ll feel like everyone’s staring at the 70s crooner on your chest, but as time goes by you’ll realise they’re far too busy living it up in the great university of life to even notice him. Something like that anyway.

There are more benefits to accepting that you are not the centre of the universe than purely growing the balls to approach, approach, approach, one of which is spontaneity of conversation. By re-framing your conversation as just a friendly interaction between two people, rather than you inviting a potential lover into the hallowed kingdom of your own universe (ooh eer!), you not only minimise the impact of a possible rejection but also make the interaction a lot more enjoyable for both of you.

Nevertheless, the thought of keeping a conversation going with a stranger (especially a sexy stranger), can be quite intimidating.

Here’s why: you are afraid of what she thinks of you. I know, I know- it’s not as easy as just ‘relaxing and being yourself’ and then a wonderful conversation will ensue… But that’s just it- conversations in the real world are filled with pauses, uncomfortable silences and irrelevant ramblings about penguins. By learning how to talk to girls, you shouldn’t be aiming to have perfect interactions with every girls you approach, but rather to overshadow the penguin ramblings with insightful observations, light-hearted banter, and deep connections.

A Daygame approach is a bit like a film trailer, and it’s your job to make it as enticing as possible while accepting that some elements wont appeal to all audiences. It’s the overall theme that counts, not the constituent parts. And if you can reframe the encounter as a low-budget teaser rather than a two-hour Spielberg epic, the pressure of being at the centre of the universe will soon disappear.

So unless you’re a trainer (where any demo will be under potential scrutiny of an audience!) just focus on getting to grips with learning how to talk to girls as if there were no-one else around you.

Hope this helps,

Andy