This is something I get asked about every once in a while… fairly hesitantly… when I’m on my own… and no-one else is around… “Hey.. A-a-andy… do you by any chance have any tips about daygame, specifically for shy guys?” We’ve not covered this specifically in any of our podcasts or videos, so I thought it was about time I’d give you my top 3 dating tips for shy guys!
1. Get Out of the Spotlight of your Extroverted Friends!
If you are anything like me, growing up was tough. Constantly being surrounded by guys that are much louder, more sociable and perhaps in your mind, much better with girls is tough. We always tend to compare ourselves with others close to us, and society has us believing that there’s no measure of a man more significant than how much we’re loved, and how good we are with women.
I recently saw a video on TED.com by Alain De Bottom (see here) which briefly mentioned envy. In his speech, Alain quite rightly said, we would never envy the Queen…
Why? She’s much richer than you are, she has a much larger house…
– The reason why we don’t envy her is because she’s too weird! She’s simply too strange. We can’t relate to her and therefore we can’t envy her. However, the closer two people are in age, background and general identification, the more there is the danger of envy.
So when you go out with friends who you can relate to, you run the risk of feeling envious of them.
If you’re spending all your time and energy thinking: “I just can’t attract girls like my friend does”, you will behave in ways that make girls see you as second-best from the moment they talk to you.
Because of this mentality, when you go out with the friend in question, you are likely to be holding all kinds of destructive beliefs in your head about any level of success you could potentially have in his presence.
As you take these kind of negative beliefs on board, you will actually start to convey to the girls you are speaking to, that you have low self-esteem; admitting defeat before they’ve even spoken to either of you. This leads to a perpetual downwards spiral of your friend getting more and more attention, while you feel more and more resentment towards both the women, and even your friend!
In short, you’re sabotaging your own success, and potentially your friendship!
-So what am I saying, dismiss all the guys who you grew up with, in order to get good with girls!?
Yes.. get a big sack, devise some sort of scheme to get them all in the sack, and have it deported to Mexico. If you are truly dedicated to getting good at daygame, you will stop reading this article right now and do it…
(Disclaimer: Daygame.com does not condone illegally deporting people to Mexico!)
Well seeing as you’re not as dedicated as I had hoped for we’ll have to think of a way around it:
Remember, girls are attracted to guys who believe they could have them if they wanted.
If you want to attract girls like your friend, you need to consider what it is he does that is so attractive to women.
If the answer is yes, you need to stop addressing the group of women as a whole, and letting him take the lead. Instead, break off from the big group and start talking to girls within it individually.
Start seeing what he does, and if you can use it to your advantage and learn from him, then do so. Secondly, start changing any sort of group-dynamics you have when you’re together. By doing this you will start to have success together, rather than just him, whilst you entertain the friend.
2. Get an Awesome Wingman!
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how to really make sure my clients are continuing to practice their day game after taking a bootcamp.
Thinking back I sometimes wonder why I continued to get better where so many other guys had simply given up. I’m sure many factors come into play, and it couldn’t be attributed to just one thing, but something I’ve come to notice is that there is one factor that distinguishes those who continue to do really really well, and those who stop.
And that one factor is having accountability.
Finding a wing is the best way to be held accountable, whilst having fun at the same time. If you’ve arranged to meet your wing every Saturday to practice daygame, and you bail on him, you’ve let yourself down as well as him. If you both go out, you’ll give each other the push you need to start approaching women.
No matter how introverted you may be, you can’t exist alone.
You cannot keep barrelling though everything that is thrown at you alone. When you get blown out and you’re not used to it, you need someone there to lift your spirits, laugh it off and to know that they are going through the same thing with you. Trade horror stories with each other, as it takes the pressure off. As Marcus said in his podcast, it either goes really well, or it’s a funny story to tell someone.
Doing this with a friend will increase your learning curve dramatically
Share ideas of what works and what doesn’t, as well as having the opportunity to learn through observing him in action.
We’re going to be launching the Forum very shortly, which will be the perfect place to meet like-minded guys who you can go out with. So keep a look out for that very shortly!
3. Learn to Love yourself
This is so true, yet so often forgotten in the community. Shy guys are captivated by the possibility of one day being the life and soul of the party, and being the super-extroverted kind of guy that talks to everybody. But I urge you to stay congruent with your identity. You do not have to be a dancing monkey to get girls. Look at guys like Gambler and myself. We’re not particularly extroverted, but our style works, because it’s congruent with who we are.
“You cannot use what you do not have. If you’re shy, be shy. If you’re outgoing, be outgoing.” – Hitch
There is such a misconception amongst guys that the loudest person is the most confident. This is often not true, and loud extroverted people are trying to impress others through their own insecurities.
Once you realise that you can still be yourself, and be good with women you’re results will improve dramatically!
There is perhaps nothing more attractive to a woman than a guy who is totally confident and assured with who he is. Don’t focus on trying to say more, or trying to be an extrovert, because you’re not. There are so many advantages to being an introvert that are overlooked. You connect with people so much better. You can escalate more smoothly than extroverts. You relationships with others mean more to you than to extroverts. Often you learn more from others, as you are the one listening:
“Don’t miss a good chance to shut up. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.”
Check out Marcus’ video on learning to love yourself to find out the best way to immediately boost your self-esteem.
Remember, luck favours the laconic 😉